I struggle to do what I love.
When I have reasons, I point to those. Too long shifts at work, long and consuming commutes, other life obligations that get in the way and leave me with no time or energy.
But to be honest, when I give myself a break I still struggle to get things done (i.e.: when I first finished this entry the title was “341 days”).
Last October I published my last piece of writing. I didn’t mean for it to be so – didn’t even plan for it to be the last of 2021. Thinking back, I was actually on a roll when I put that out into the world. I had been publishing several pieces a week, featuring interviews with some extraordinarily inspiring women, and I was receiving great numbers and feedback. I felt fulfilled. And then it all came to a halt.
When Hobbies Become Work
I think it was work that first got in the way. Without breaking my NDA, I can only say that last November I was commissioned to write an anonymous feature-length book. I had finally reached the “Making It” part myself and I couldn’t contain my happiness.
The only catch was that I had to write it in a month. 100.000 words – in one month. With two days for story prep.
It’s safe to say I didn’t actually enjoy “making it” (in two ways).
Creatively and mentally exhausted (from the workload and toxic management. Unsurprisingly, a company that expects this level of delivery on minimum wage doesn’t have the most supportive environment), I didn’t have the capacity to write anything else.
I was also disappointed in myself; disappointed that I pulled out of this new job; disappointed that this was what my dream job was actual like; disappointed that doing something I loved in a professional manner actually made me despise it.
Disappointed and discouraged.
Then, I got some good news: A production company wanted to partner with my podcast.
Another dream!
Expectations vs. Reality
But it was a learning curve; for the new team and myself. One that took a while to develop a rhythm and satisfaction. One that wasn’t instantly gratifying or without challenge.
The amazing part about hobbies is that we do them of our own volition. We love something so much and find thrill and fulfilment in something so much so that we don’t need to be forced to do it. In fact, we will go out of our way to do it.
But when that then suddenly changes, when it becomes labour, and other people get involved, the stakes change. You are no longer doing it (just) for yourself.
Motivation shifts from desire to demand.
Even though the podcast changes didn’t have anything to do with the editorial, the lines got blurry and my view of this project began to change. I wasn’t excited by it the way I had been for the past year doing it solo.
On top of that, my dayjob got busier, hours longer, and days shorter.
I tried to write a couple of times. Back in March, I even interviewed a costume designer who worked on an exciting new movie. I felt refreshed; ready.
And then I never listened back to the tape of our conversation.
Unattainable Ambition and Forced Creativity
I have a habit of getting into slumps and then dramatically stepping out of the mud with a thorough and very ambitious plan of how extremely productive I am going to be. I am going to wake up early every single day and spend every minute doing something. I am going to stick to my hour-by-hour schedule and I will create a mountain of content (ew) which I will consistently put out. Something like…
1 episode a week, 5 articles a week, 2 posts a day.
HA!
I try it once and I fail. I tell myself I just need to stick to my plan more. I try again, and I fail. I slip back into my slump.
It feels invigorating to be inspired again, but the fear of not following through or not doing my best every single time is daunting (and probably the reason this has been sitting my drafts for a week now).
I am so so very tempted to make a public commitment to a certain number of pieces a week and other projects. But I know that I won’t stick to it, and I know that my lack of accomplishments will lead me to self-loathe and eventually give up all together.
So, instead, I simply tell you this: I will be writing, and if you are at all curious to read any of it, you just have to keep checking in. (This is not just a sleazy way to get more clicks)
I see a lot of words on self-help, hustling, and optimized productivity when I scroll through feeds and scan the bestsellers on the bookracks. I didn’t write this to add to that – I don’t believe that there is any one-size answer on how to do this. I didn’t write this with the intention of being helpful or solving your individual creative struggle, but merely to be honest about mine.
I struggle to do what I love. I probably always will. And that feeling fucking sucks, but I’m not going to beat myself up for it.
Instead, I think I’m going to slow down on the big picture, and start focusing on the details: the way I feel when I’m in the zone; the reason I came to love this craft in the first place.
Everytime I have tried to force or rush anything creatively I have failed spectacularly. So I’m going to take it slow, step by step.
Making It: Women in Film 